For the first time in a long time, I can smile and really mean it. You have no idea how awesome of a feeling that is for me. I'll never not miss Bill, or not love him, but I think I might be ok with not being with him. Part of me will always hope for the plans we had to work out, I'm sure of that but I think I'll really, truely be ok. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and they're going to make this year's birthday fun be amazing! Especially when Jason's in a box, which he doesn't know about yet, but I'll like it! I knew I could always count on Vanna and she's full of amazing and I love her to death! She treats me good, and buys me slurpees and I make her money! haha.
Not only am I finally allowing myself to think of the possibility of being with someone else, but I'm also thinking that I'm going to be ok. And I'm even going to admit it to others. I miss his friendship like crazy and it's killing me to have the friendship that I have right now because he's supposed to be my best friend, and I think we're getting back to that... It's just hard to go from what we had to this, and have the friendship not change. But like the rest of my friends, he knows he can take everything out on me and I'll still be there when he's done with a hug and smile for him.
To my Vanna, I want to thank you. You've never let me feel alone and even though I went through hell and back, you came with me. And now that things are getting ok, we can have some pretty awesome birthday fun in Banff with boys, and then New Years fun in Crossfield! Excitement! I'm so proud of us! Ya know that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Well, if not you should watch it, it's a good movie. Anyways, I used to think I wanted that with Bill, not to forget him alltogether, just the hurt he caused... But I finally see now that I don't. As much as he hurt me and broke my heart, and every tear he caused and every bit of pain put upon me over him... I need it in my life. It teaches me a lesson. Plus, I would feel so empty and alone if he were gone. Who else knows all of my secrets? (well, not all anymore, but most of them he sure does) and who else shares so many jokes and stories and laughs with me? Who lets me cry and yell and flip out and still is there? I wouldn't want to erase him, or the hurt or anything with him... There way to much good there that I would lose. I don't want the ability to do the movie thing, and this is the first time I've decided this, funny 'cause I even told him while we were still together that I wanted that... What a dumb idea that was. Now I just have to tell myself: "You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there". I know that I for sure have missed my smile because well, it's cute and makes me damn hot! Plus I love to laugh and smile and have fun in life and I can't let this whole thing with Bill bring me down. I know he's the first of many heart breaks... The only problem is that he was the first and the second, the third, fourth, fifth... And I'm sure many more. He hurt me and I hurt him. I hope to god knows that I am truly sorry over the shit I put him through and I hope he's sorry for the shit he put me through. But hey, life goes on and forward is the way to move... Right??
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